Dealing with Bullying


web for everyone to see.  Unfortunately, bullying is a pretty common occurrence that happens almost everywhere you go.  It happens at school, in the neighborhood, online and in sports – just to name a few.  However, one place bullying should never happen is in your ministry.  Whether you are a children’s minister, youth minister or minister to college and young adults, bullying in your program in any form should never be accepted or tolerated.  Why?  This really should be a no-brainer, but the simple answer is that bullying is counter to everything Christ believed in and stood for.  From the woman at the well to the man with leprosy, there was not one person Christ did not love.  Because of this powerful example, bullying should NEVER be tolerated in our programs. However, as much as I say bullying should never happen in your program, it always seems easier said than done.  In fact, I can easily recall a handful of students who have been picked on in my youth program over my 13 years of doing full-time youth ministry.  Whether they were too skinny, too “nerdy”, too fat, wore glasses or just did something unlike the other guys, they were the ones being picked on.  They were bullied by their peers.  As we all know, that is unacceptable and thinking of the experiences I have had to deal with still makes my heart sink because of all the pain it caused individuals and families. Now, I don’t think it is 100% possible to stop bullying.  After all, people are going to do what they are going to do and you can’t have eyes on everyone at all times. However, that does not mean you can’t address it and deal with it in a right manner when it does happen.  In fact, here are some of the things I have done in years past that I feel like have worked in addressing this issue:

  • Talk 1-on-1 with the Bully. Sit them down and share what you are seeing and hearing.  Let them know how their actions are breaking your heart and how it goes against what Christ lived and died for.  Also let them know that if you don’t see a change in their behavior towards others, you will have to take further action, such as calling their parents.  Some verses you could use are 1 John 3:15, 2 Timothy 2:22, Romans 2:1-29
  • Talk 1-on-1 with the one who is being bullied. Let them know how much you appreciate them.  More importantly, let them know how Christ feels about them and how loved they are by God.  You can also share that you have seen what is going on and how you do not approve or accept the bully’s behavior and that you are dealing with it.  Hopefully you can build up a trust with the student that they would feel comfortable sharing with you the next time they are getting picked on.  Some verses you could use are Romans 12:19-20, Psalm 18:3, Romans 8:31-39.
  • Call the Bully’s parents. If things do not improve, call the parents.  Let them know what their child is doing and how it is effecting the other students.  Let them know that if their child’s behavior doesn’t improve, you are going to have to take further action against their child such as “suspending” him/her from the youth program for a time being.  Hopefully by calling them (or even meeting them in person) the child’s behavior will improve and further action does not need to happen.
  • Remove the Bully from the program. If after all this the bullying does not stop, you need to bring the parents and the bully in together for a talk. It is at this point that you need to review what has happened and what action you have taken thus far.  Then share with them how you believe that the student needs to be removed from the program for a time being.  Now, this is not a permanent move, but a “suspension” of sorts.  Maybe make it a month or maybe exclude them from an upcoming trip that he/she was planning on attending.  If after this “suspension” does not sink in with the bully and he/she continues to bully even after the time away, then you probably need to remove him/her from the program for a time being.  They may not like it and you could probably “lose” him.  But the fact is, if you don’t address his/her issues, you will probably lose other students who are doing nothing wrong.
Now this is just a few ways I have chosen to handle bullying in the past.  Regardless how you choose to handle it, I believe that a key component in all of this is that you keep your Superior (whether it is the senior pastor or just your supervisor) in the know.  The more you keep them in the know of what is going on and how you are handling the situation, the more they are able to have your back if there is a backlash of sorts in any way. So what do you think?  I am sure that you have had to deal with bullies before in your program.  How did you deal with it? TAKE A MINUTE and think through how you have dealt with bullies in your program.  Then post a comment about it.  Maybe I missed something or maybe you disagree with how I have handled things in the past.  Regardless, post a comment so we can all learn how to deal with bullying in our programs.]]>


2 Replies to “Dealing with Bullying”

  1. My daughter, 7th grade, has been bullied and belittled by one girl in partictular for the past 3 years at our church. It breaks my heart. The first year I spoke with the mother directly and she did nothing. Last year I decided that enough. The music and bell leaders came to me and were upset with how much my daughter had to bear. I decided that enough was enough and brought it to the youth leader. A meeting was held for my daughter and they essentially built her up and acknowledged her situation. Yet, at the end of the meeting they placed the responsibility for fixing the situation back into my daughter's lap. They said that she needed to find a time to talk to this bully and let her know how this treatment makes her feel. I stepped in and said "Absolutely not!". If they wanted the two girls to meet with supervision, so be it. But, I would not allow her to open the door for more abuse in a one-on-one situation. I understand that this girl in particular is a miserable soul. Most of the other girls are afraid of the wrath of her if they stand up to her as well. They don't want to be at the receiving end of her bullying either. It just makes me sad. I am proud to say that my daughter has turned to God for guidance. I think she knows every scripture on forgiveness by heart. In fact, she is a bigger and better person than I am. She has other friends at church. For this I am grateful. She is a good girl…..a Godly girl……and we couldn't be more proud of her. I just worry that there will come a day when she might "break" because of this girl. For now, she is solid and grounded in God's word and doing what's right. Her only other alternative in her mind is leaving our church, and that is not an option for her. For now, she avoids this girl at all costs. This doesn' t stop the harrassment by any means, but she has her sights set high, and for this I am forever grateful.

    1. Thanks so much for the comment! I would be very proud if your daughter was my daughter by the way she has chosen to handle this situation. I think you did the right thing as a parent and it is VERY unfortunate how the youth minister responded. I believe the youth minister set your daughter up for failure and I pray that there will be a more positive response in the near future.

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