what God is teaching me. I believe that this debate, especially in small to medium size churches, has HUGE potential to impact both your ministry and family at the same time. So whether you have, are currently in or will in the future deal with this issue, it think that it is extremely important that you have thought through on how you will handle it. The Debate Where does privacy apply to being in a public Church Leadership position? Do you, as a Church staffer have the right to your privacy in your personal life or should everything be made public? On one side there will be people who argue that you have the right to your privacy. They will argue that as long as your ministry is not being compromised, that you are acting with full integrity of the spiritual position and that you are fulfilling your job description you have been called to, you have that right to privacy. On the other side, there will be people who argue that as a public spiritual leader, your private life is public. Sure, not everything in your private life needs to be shared, but when it comes to struggles or tough situations for you or your family, the congregation has the right to know what is going on. This “side” will argue that if you are transparent with who you are, then God will work and that the body of Christ will surround this person and family with love, support and compassion. My Position If you have been involved in ministry for any number of years, or even months, you will know that a ministry job is not your normal 9-5, Monday thru Friday job. We work on the weekends, at nights, in the early mornings. We get paid less than most other professionals with the same amount of experience. We work on the football fields, at Starbucks or in the mall. We are not able to worship in our own Church the same way members of our congregation can. After all, Sunday is a workday. I do not need to go much further for you to get the point – there is very little that is considered “normal” when you work in a ministry position – especially youth ministry. Because there is this lack of normalcy in being a minister, this debate is not easily decided. There is a lot of “grey” in this debate. For example, when you feel that the Lord is calling you to accept the job as “minister” you are held to a different standard. As a Youth Pastor, I understand and accept that responsibility and my calling. In Titus 1:7-9, Paul points out that we are held to a higher standard as “overseers” and “elders”. Again, this is a standard I accept and affirm. I know that if I were to struggle with certain things, such as adultery or illegal drug use (which I never have), these are some of things that need to be brought into the light. But, where do the boundaries lie between what Paul calls us to and what other people’s expectations (unfair or not) are? Let me explain. Does this same standard that Paul outlined in Titus apply to your family as well? Just because I have accepted that role and responsibility of the higher standard, does that mean they have to accept that same role and responsibility? Obviously, as spouses and parents, we desire for our whole family to follow the Lord with as much passion as we do. But just because we have committed to follow the Lord and serve Him in a position of authority, does that mean the rest of our family is held to that exact same standard that Paul outlines in Titus 1? Ultimately, what I am getting at is I think our views of who our “overseers” should be are out whack. The biblical standards are right on, but I think that over time, this has caused our congregations to expect ministers to be perfect. It is almost like they hold ministers up to such a high standard that they are not given the opportunity to fail or struggle. I do not believe that this is intentional or malicious in any way, but I believe that most people in the congregation almost expect ministers to be hold a Christlike standard – perfection. They place pastors and their families on pedestals where they do not allow for struggles to happen. I’m sorry, but just because they are the pastor or a member of his/her family does not mean they cannot struggle. Yet people put them (even spouses) into positions of authority and respect and glorify their every move. Why? Because he/she is the Pastor or a member of his/her family?!? They are “supposed” to do certain things and act a certain way. I believe that because of this, the pressure that the congregation, sometimes indirectly, put on ministers, spouses and family to perform is too great and very unrealistic. Not everyone is geared that way. I believe that we have to have realistic expectations of our “overseers”. I believe that Paul was right on when he challenged Titus and Timothy (1 Timothy 3:1-9). But I also believe that people have taken that standard and have expected perfection from them and their families; something that is completely unrealistic for them to ever be able to accomplish. Ultimately, I believe in privacy and that Church Staffers have the right to privacy as they go through a tough time. However, as I have seen, it is not that easy of a decision to make – protect staffers privacy. As I pointed out above and will describe below, there is a lot of “grey” here and protecting ones privacy affects more people than just the staffer and their family. A Balancing Act Working in small to medium sized churches and ministries all my life, I know that “community” is a big component in those ministries. After all, as 1 Corinthians 12:12-27 points out, we are all part of the body of Christ. That means, when one part of the body suffers, we all suffer. So, ideally, when a struggling person or family unit comes into the mix, the community would surround and help them through this difficult time. When this person or family is within the congregation, I have seen such great ministry happen. The only problem that I have seen in promoting “community” in past situations is when it comes down to a Church staffer and their family. Although people say they want community and for things to be in the light, when they do come into the light, how does that “community” respond? Does the community surround the Church staffer and their family? Or does uproar happens and the staffer and family are kicked to the curb? How does the Church leadership respond? Will they support and encourage or dump and run? Unfortunately, when it comes to Church Staffers, I have seen “community” turn into a nightmare on so many levels. Ultimately, I believe that if you are a community of believers that means you give grace when grace is needed, forgiveness when forgiveness is needed and you discipline when discipline is needed. It is definitely a balancing act. I cannot say that there is a right or wrong way to respond. Each situation has to be carefully addressed depending on the circumstances. Church leadership definitely has to play a huge role and will have to stand by some pretty hard decisions. A Final Thought What I have learned and seen over the years is that if a Church staffer is going through a difficult time in their personal, private life it affects more than just that person and family. It affects the other church staff as well. Therefore, if the Church chooses to be silent on that matter in order to protect the staffer and their family while they go through this difficult time, there should be a few things in place:
- A Company Line. What will the staff say if people from the congregation ask them what is going on with so-and-so? If the staffers do not know exactly what to say, you have put them into an awkward position of lying or coming up with something on their own that may not be entirely accurate – again, lying. By deciding as a staff what to say, you are protecting your staffer but also giving the other staff a peace of mind as to what to say.
- Encourage a small group “Community”. When a staffer and their family are going through a tough time, it can be easy to be the “Lone Ranger” and keep 100% silent on the matter. Instead of being the Lone Ranger, they need to surround themselves with people who can care and support them. This is not the whole church (as described above), but at least a few other people and/or couples that can help them. Remember, the battle we all wage, although private, is a spiritual battle (Ephesians 6:12). Satan is extremely powerful and ready to devour (1 Peter 5:8). By surrounding themselves with a few people in community, I believe God can work more powerfully through the situation.
- Be prepared for fall out. If not handled appropriately and the congregation feels blindsided by a revelation after the fact that they believed was “covered up”, then there could be some serious resentment and fallout (i.e. members leave the church). I have seen this happen and it becomes very messy. There is no possible way for the church leadership to be fully prepared for the reaction the congregation makes, but they have to be prepared for fall out. They have to be prepared to stand by their decisions, knowing full well that if viewed incorrectly, it could cause some real frustration and people leaving.
- How will you respond when the privacy and public knowledge lines get blurred? What will you do and how will protect without being deceitful?
- How can you continue to protect yourself and your family? How can you keep them focused on the Lord and lead them?
I kinda disagree. Although there has to be some privacy and if people start thinking that pastors are perfect they are setting themselves up for a big letdown. But pastors are public figures. You said family did not choose their roles, but even in the OT there were requirements on the families of priests. In the NT there are still requirements and one of them is
1 Tim3: 4He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect. 5(If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God's church?)
Although they may not have chosen it, there are still requirements that are placed on them that are not placed on Christians at large (although we should be encouraging people towards this).
Should this mean that anyone who has any problems gets kicked out of ministry… that would be stupid.
Some pastors families are more public than others and that is fine, but as an overseer, it is impossible to stay out of the public life.
I hear what you are saying and agree. However, the scripture you quoted, I believe, refers to more respect and obedience. I would definitely hope that as a father I can raise my family up with a godly model and that they would choose to follow Christ in their own life.
However, what I was trying to make reference to, albeit maybe not so well, are the unspoken expectations of families such as they need to be in charge of the Women's ministry (or at least speak on different occasions) or that they cannot struggle with any particular sin; that this spouse should walk alongside of them and be "ministry partners" of sorts. Those kind of expectations where more of what I were referring to. Again, sorry if that was unclear.
You are so right about the "gray area" that this issue falls under. The point here is public dissemination and I think we walk down side alleys when we focus on scriptures that indicate a higher standard of behavior for those in ministry. That is the easy part. It gets a little blurrier as we consider what standards we apply to the families. The main issue here could be downright foggy gray, which is how much of ministry family struggles become public. The light of God's Word burns some of that fog away, however, when we take the titles away. We have clear scripture regarding how to respond to any brother or sister who is struggling which can be summed up in one word, love.
I am not aware of any KJV that states, "Pastors, thou shall announce all of your family's earthly struggles to your flock." As brothers and sisters in Christ, if any issue by any member of the body becomes severe, the process under Matthew 18 MAY bring the issue into a brighter light intentionally, but that is a very extreme measure. While the pastor, and to a lesser extent his family, are public figures, I am just not sure that there is any scripture that delineates additional level of public exposure based on office.
Difficult times and struggles mean that the affected pastor, his family, and church leadership should prayerfully and thoughtfully come to a mutual agreement on how to proceed with a focus on the grace, love, support and the redemptive power of Christ. I don't think wider dissemination is helpful and it can actually be very hurtful and harmful to everyone it touches. Church bodies are composed of varying strata of spiritual maturity which can turn important struggles into coffeehouse fodder. This serves no one and is actually detrimental to the health of a church. My personal bottom line is that we should spend more time as spiritual paramedics instead of trying to be a cosmic cops. Unfortunately, we tend to shoot our wounded on the battlefield in lieu of treating them. Except for in the most serious cases under Matt 18, holster your weapons.